The best part is, coming out to folks has often been far from climatic. This, to me, is indicative of just how misunderstood my identity is. To many, while extremely well-intended and well-meaning, telling them I identify outside the traditional gender binary and that I do not identify as a woman or a man, they kind of smile and nod like, "yeah, we get it, you're a butch lesbian. You like to wear ties and men's pants and boy's shoes.. what's the big deal?" I want to acknowledge the intention here and thank people for your sincere efforts to be supportive. I appreciate people who ask me where I got my clothes from, compliment my outfits, tell me "you pull that outfit off better than any man I know!", etc. We all know I want to look good, and that I want to screw up the binaries and put any "real man" to shame in how to match and coordinate patterns. So, yes, I appreciate the compliments. However, just like I get frustrated when people tell me they don't think of me any differently for being gay because it erases and minimizes a significant and salient part of who I am, I don't want to just be a butch lesbian to you because, well, I'm not....
I am queer in many senses of the word. I was assigned female at birth.
**I used this language intentionally. I am not female-bodied and I am not female and I am not a woman. When I was born, because of society's expectations and need to categorize and fit people into a box on a birth certificate, doctors decided that the organs and hormones I possessed made me female. I use this language because transgender women are female-bodied if they say they're female-bodied. Transgender men are male-bodied if they say they are male-bodied. To say otherwise takes away their agency to self-actualize and identify wholly aligned with who they are. If a trans* person tells you (keyword they tell you, not you asked an uninvited intrusive question) how they identify with their body, mind, and the whole world that exists in between those two poles, listen, respect it, and honor it.
However, years of self-discovery and awareness have allowed me to name and be confident in this fact: I do not have a female body and I do not have a male body. I do not have a female mind and I do not have a male mind. I am not "trapped in the wrong body" and I did not "always know" this is who I was. These complications had me very confused for quite some time- if I didn't identify as a woman, but the doctors assigned me female at birth and I grew up and was socialized as a girl, does that mean I am transgender? I struggled to find a place in the LGBTQ community. I used to feel like I fit in with the L portion - at that point I felt I was a woman and I was attracted to women, so sure, that's me, right? When I started recognizing the gap between my sex assigned at birth and my gender expression and current body and mind, I realized I may fit into the T. But then, when I went to those spaces, I wasn't transgender enough for the T community and I certainly wasn't cisgender (sex assigned at birth aligned with my gender identity and expression) enough for the rest of the world.
I'm not transgender and I'm not cisgender. To put it bluntly - I say fuck gender because it's socially constructed and doesn't capture or allow for me to exist as my whole, true self. So, rather than continue to ramble in long paragraphs, I'll get to the root and reason of this post. To allow you all, those who love me, interact with me, work with me, and hopefully a broader audience who don't know me but may know someone like me... to just understand. I don't blame you for not understanding - this is new language and a new community. Nonbinary people and trans* people have been around forever, but I recognize this is a newer community in most of our lifetimes and frame of reference.
I want to answer questions and explain as best I can while also recognizing words can't capture it, particularly within the confines of the interwebs. However, here is my best attempt. I am speaking for myself and my own experience and in no way want to generalize my needs and preferences to all nonbinary or trans* people.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How did/do you know?
Thank you for asking! Let me count the ways. Or at least what I can come up with right now. It's about to get personal, team.
- I get my period approximately once per year (yes, I've seen doctors, don't worry). My hormones are quire literally out of whack. When I went to said doctor, they told me after blood work that I have unnaturally high levels of testosterone for a woman. Here was my first clue that I may not be a woman.
- I have zero connection to my chest. They feel like unwanted tumors that have been stuck on my body and that of course just grow and grow and sag and sag when all I want them to do is shrink and hide inside my ribcage. When partners have touched it or engaged with it, I laid there wondering when it would be over because I felt nothing other than awkwardness. I much preferred they focused on my ripped triceps, but we can't have it all, right?
- I have always found myself attracted to men. No, not romantically or sexually. But I have a ridiculous affinity toward them when they walk down the street or move past me in the store. I'm constantly scrutinizing their outfit, their body, the way their shirts fit and pants hug (or don't) their lack of hips. I didn't grow up internalizing what society taught us about women's bodies - they should be thin but curvy (how the hell does that work??), perfectly shaved, clear skin, and revealing enough to show off the excitement without giving up the goods. I was, however, much more interested in how men were "supposed" to be. We can all start to understand my ridiculous obsession with emulating the GQ/JCrew style... hello whiteness.
- HOWEVER, my interest in men's bodies pretty much stops there. I don't want body hair because it grosses me out. I don't want a deep voice because that doesn't feel right. I don't want different genitalia because, well, I like mine. I don't want an adam's apple and I don't want bigger hands or increased "masculine" emotions. I enjoy my hardcore feeler who feels emotions and gets "crazy" often (ten points for handling it and embracing it for my incredible partner).
- Here, then, is the answer: I want to look like (not act like) a teenage, pre-pubescent boy. I don't want all the curves I have now but I do want a softer body type. I want to move through the world and every now and then have people assume that I'm my fiancé's kid (sorry Mariah, it's true). Not always. Just once a month or so. I want to fit into clothes that minimize my curves and highlight my muscles, but I don't want so much muscle or body hair that people perceive me to be a man. I quite literally want to exist in the space found before biology takes over (puberty) and my body molded into something it wasn't meant to be. This may be confusing to you, because it sure as hell still is to me at some points. So, my friends, read on.
2. So, you want to look like a pre-pubescent boy? Don't a lot of lesbians?
Great question! But I'm not a lesbian! Here's the deal - I don't just want to look different. I am different. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I do not exist on one end of the binary. I exist somewhere in the middle. My hormones, my body, my mind, and my interests all tell me so. I do not want to be anything, I am genderqueer. I fall in the middle in every sense of the way we generally try to police gender into one box, and figuring this out and embracing it has been the most freeing thing I've done. The truth is, yes, many people possess qualities, interests, and traits that are different than their gender. They are gender-bending, yes, and that's awesome. However, they are not genderqueer. One can fuck with gender norms and still be cisgender - in fact it happens all the time. I am nonbinary because I've never felt so whole as I did when I put on a binder (a safe, chest compression vest that I wear every day) and got a glimpse at the body and person I was always meant to be. I've never felt so whole as I do when my partner tells me I'm dapper instead of beautiful and that I'm her GQ (genderqueer) instead of her "girlfriend". I have never felt so whole as I do when people use gender neutral pronouns or seem confused when they look at me. I WANT people to do a double take because that means I am presenting myself and passing as someone who people can't figure out based on their traditional conceptions of gender. I hope this clears up the idea that I'm just butch or masculine - in every layer of depth within myself I know that I was meant to and do exist somewhere in the middle.
3. Okay, okay, I get it. So pronouns: what's that all about for you?
First of all, I like to avoid saying my "preferred gender pronouns" are _____. It is not a preference. They just are. That's like asking what someone's "preferred dietary needs" are when they're allergic to peanuts. You don't get to decide whether or not you feed them peanuts. They tell you that's what they need, so you do it. So, they are not preferred gender pronouns, they are gender pronouns.
I personally utilize gender neutral pronouns as often as possible. For me, this means I don't enjoy being called "she" or "her" or "hers". I feel whole and understood when a sentence about me goes like this: I was talking to Steph the other day and they told me they want to hang out this weekend.
This is new. Up until a few weeks ago I used "she, her, and hers". What this means is that it isn't triggering to me or horribly wrong to use she, her, and hers. It just makes me feel BETTER and like you really know and are trying to recognize and acknowledge who I am when you use gender neutral pronouns. Quite honestly, I think I stayed with feminine pronouns for so long because it's easier for people. I'm over that, sorry. It's no longer about how easy it is for you because I've spent so much time and energy trying to appease and shrug it off when people don't acknowledge who I am. I love you all, but please, start trying to be neutral. It will mean the world.
4. Pronouns: check. What about nouns?
I saw a great shirt the other day: "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm genderqueer, so don't call me lady". I think I'll buy it. That's the moral of the story for me though. I'm not a woman, a girl, or a lady, so please don't call me that. If you're a student, please don't call me Ms. Parrish. If you're a friend, please do not greet me with "hey girl, hey"or "get it girl" even if you "would say that to anyone!". Please don't include me when you're talking about women's issues and say "well we're all women here so you all get it!". Yes, I understand a lot of what it means to move through to world as a woman because I've been perceived as such forever. However, I don't identify with that experience.
Instead of those, then, I prefer neutral nouns such as friend, human, buddy, person, dapperqueer, genderqueer (my partner calls me GQ), Steph, etc.
5. I noticed you changed your name on Facebook from Stephanie to Steph - is that a big deal?
YES. This is a very big deal. Stephanie is a name that was given to me by my parents and I want to honor that. However, it is feminine and it just feels icky. I associate it with who I was before I realized who I am. Steph, while it may seem to make no difference, is a much more affirming name for me. It is short and spunky, just like me. It's not gender neutral, but it is more gender neutral and it was very important to me to honor my dad and late mom's wishes if possible in my comfort level. So, even though it seems like it isn't a big thing to most, I urge you and beg of you to please listen to how I introduce myself - Steph Parrish. Please don't act like most people I interact with like credit card companies, hospitals, HR at my work, etc. who refuse to listen because they want to use my legal name.
I do plan to change my name legally when Mariah and I marry, and I recognize many of you have been calling me Stephanie for my entire life. This is another lesson in kindness: whether it makes sense to you or seems important to you, I'm asking for a reason. In my mind, then, the right thing to do is to make a concerted and conscious effort to honor that.
6. You mentioned surgery - what's that all about?
If all goes according to plan, I will be getting "top surgery" this May. Top surgery is reconstructive chest surgery. I will get a full double mastectomy with a little bit of tissue and fat left behind to mimic a pre-pubescent boy chest. My nipples will be resized and reshaped and relocated to also mimic that. I will have to large scars along my breast bone that fade over time and end up helping with the illusion of pecs and contour.
I am currently waiting to hear back from my insurance company to see if they will cover my surgery. I am extremely fortunate to even have this hope, as the large majority of companies cover absolutely nothing. Seeking this surgery as a nonbinary person has been challenging because it is traditionally done on trans* men. People typically want you to be "living as a man" for at least one year as well as already taking hormone replacement therapy for a year. I will be doing neither of those things. My surgeon has been supportive, my family is supportive, my partner is supportive, and I am one very lucky and privileged person to say that. I am so looking forward to wearing shirts without the horrible boob gap in my buttons, being able to see my stomach when I stand, and showing up in the world more ambiguous and aligned with who I am. My chest is large and gives me away immediately even with a binder, so this is a very important step in confirming and affirming my gender. As I stated above, I was never meant to have the chest I currently do, and this is medically, mentally, and emotionally necessary.
7. Will you get other surgeries?
As of now, nope. I really don't anticipate that because as I said, I don't feel a need to change or affirm anything about other parts of my body.
8. So what can I do to support you?
Work diligently to make the changes I've asked above, particularly around my pronouns, nouns, and name. When you hear other folks I know mess up, please correct them (respectfully). When you move into a room and want to address the crowd, try and avoid saying things like "ladies and gentlemen" or "boys and girls". This inherently suggests that those are the only two options. Try something like "hey y'all" or "hello!". Whether you think there is a nonbinary person in the room or not, it benefits everyone to begin building a world that is less confined by and defined by old conceptions of gender and what they means for how we interact with everything around us.
When you go to use the restroom and get excited because there is a single-stall restroom and then a men's and women's restroom, please do not use the single-stall restroom. These are my safe haven. They allow me to pee in peace without women giving me the side-eye, glare, or even telling me I'm in the wrong bathroom. They allow me to avoid misgendering myself by walking through a sign that says WOMEN ten times a day (I pee a lot....). When you use the restroom for your own convenience because you want to have your own space, please remember that you are taking that space from who needs it - often folks with disabilities and trans* and nonbinary people.
When you raise kids, please allow them to identify themselves and express their gender, or lack thereof, however they want even if it changes every day.
There are a million other things, but this is a good place to start. Language means EVERYTHING to me because I move through a world that forces me to choose all the time. When I find relief from that with friends and family, I am more able to engage honestly and be my true self.
8. Are you open to talking about this more?
YES YES YES. Not all nonbinary or trans* people are because it is exhausting, but for now I am. I want to share my story, answer questions, and learn together. I am ready and excited to create a world that is more free and open for my future children. I am ready to feel seen for who I am and not always have to explain or interrupt and then deal with the awkward apology afterwards. Ask away and I promise if I am offended or hurt, I will trust your intention and kindly explain a better way to ask for the information you seek.
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This is all I've got for now. I promise my future posts will be less lengthy and a bit more aligned with how I like to write. Please feel free to share this widely if you feel inclined- I am happy to share my experiences and thoughts if it will allow others to also feel more free in who they are. I am eternally grateful and in awe of my fiancé, Mariah, and my family who have welcomed me with open arms and allowed me and encouraged me to ask for and demand what I need. I am the luckiest genderqueer in the world and look forward to deepening and strengthening my relationships with all of you now that you can understand me better.
Cheers to you all,
Steph Parrish
